Assertiveness can be confused with other, neighboring attitudes and behaviors with good reason, since it is often used to signify an expression of agency as do words like advocate or declare. And some may use it to convey a forceful tone, behavior that is not only direct but blunt and confrontational. When it is used with this meaning in mind, assertiveness signifies “taking a stand” in an interpersonal situation in which an other is assuming a dominant voice, role, or pattern of behavior.
Perhaps in earlier encounters we’ve endured the dominant or overbearing behavior of others, but at the cost of experiencing growing frustration and resentment. We may have felt unable or ill-equipped to challenge the dominance of others without inciting conflict, inflaming tempers, and escalating hostile emotions beyond a level we we can cope with. But then it’s comes to a point where we just cannot stomach being the submissive one an longer. We must find a way to assert ourselves.
This may sound more extreme than the experiences you’ve had where you find yourself falling short of being as assertive as you’d like to be. Your inhibitions may have more to do with concerns about not hurting others’ feelings. Or perhaps it’s an issue of not wishing to seem presumptuous when expressing dissent with a superior at work. In any case, what is common across these situations is the question of how to achieve a balanced quality of interpersonal communications.
Assertiveness as Authenticity
Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to how we assert ourselves in a manner that is fidelitous with who we are as a person. Even in the performance of role-based duties, there is room, and I would argue there is virtue, for being who we are. It is the palpable sense of true personhood that we feel in a leader’s presence and behavior that registers as authenticity. It lends veracity and sincerity to their words and actions. It reveals something we can trust, believe in, and attach to.
The dynamic connection between assertiveness and authenticity is not only relevant for leaders. It’s a phenomenon that transcends hierarchy. It applies to all relationships, at work, outside of work, and in our most intimate bonds with significant others. Authenticity becomes problematic when we’re feeling stuck, frustrated, or confused in relationships or simply in moments of a conversation or group discussion. At that time, the first thing to do is seek is truth. It’s our starting point.
This is ancient wisdom from philosophy and religion: “Know the truth, and the truth will make you free!” In the context of interpersonal interactions, the first truth we must discover is the truth of what we are experiencing, i.e., feeling, thinking, observing. We need not do this apologetically or in meekness. Rather, we must initiate this assertion of our experience as a means of gaining or regaining clarity and alignment on the purpose, direction, and dynamics of our communications with others.
This act of assertiveness is an invitation for dialogue: “I’m not sure why, but I am feeling uncomfortable with the approach that is being recommended, and I’d like pause to discuss it before moving to implementation;” or, “When you frame it that way Jane, I feel that you are attributing the problem to the IT department’s actions and I am not sure that’s right. Could we discuss this a bit more?” In both instances I am reporting what I am experiencing and asking for time to discuss what is feeling problematic.
Believing in Yourself and in Dialogue
You’ve heard the adage, “If it’s not clear to you, or if you have a question, others probably do too.” It may not allay our felt inhibitions to speak up, but this is a truism that really is true most of the time. And if you are part of the discussion, decision-making, or action under discussion, it probably means that you have a role in the matter. That’s enough to warrant assertive expression of your experience. In fact, many would argue that this is core responsibility for all participants.
And we’re more likely to honor this responsibility if we conceive of assertiveness as authenticity, as a duty to share our experience in an ongoing interpersonal process (planning, problem solving, etc.) in a timely manner. Think of it this way: Your mind and body constitute a complex sensor, which is able to sense how things (cognitive, practical, social, emotional) are going. So, if you are feeling troubled, confused, tense, or concerned, you probably ought to check it out.
Moving from a precognitive sense that something merits further examination to a considered discussion of the matter promotes practical intelligence and fluency. It breeds a more temperate action orientation, and we become better able to draw upon the “sensory” capabilities of all who participate. There is no need to hold expression of concerns because we lack the “polished prose” to articulate it. We are all in it together. We must take expressed concerns seriously and be patient enough to coax forth the words that best articulate them.
